talk is cheap.
In this entry im going to go all out. Say everything Im feeling and everything that is going on right now. If youre only here reading this to say shit about it, go ahead. I dont let it bother me anymore. And yes I know whats coming next "shes only saying that to cover up how much it really does bother her" But in the last couple of weeks ive had a whole lot of shit said about me, and really ive learned how to ignore it. Ive learned how cheap talk is.
Tonight I went to the movies with my Mom and Markus. We went to see Mona Lisa Smile. It was actually a really good movie. I enjoyed it. I never get to go anywhere with any part of my family, I guess I just hang out with other people and get away from my family. I actually feel pretty guilty about it.
We saw Chelsae after the movie. My mom talked to her a bit. I just stood there. I had nothing to say. I didnt know what to say. I didnt want my mom talking to her for the fact that I hear she has been saying crap about me to people, and her diary has said crap about me. I dont really understand most of it, but I dont know maybe Im not supposed to. She can say all she wants about me, I cant stop her. I mean, there's no stopping people talking about you. Its always going to happen. But people just talk about you because they're insicure about themselves in some way.
The past 2-3 weeks have probibly been some of the toughest times in my life. Im getting over it, and learning a lot about people around me, and myself.
1. I had a breakup with my boyfriend of over a year and a half. Ive gone over in my head a lot of times that we have shared together, and all the wonderful thigns about him. Ive had to put that all behind me to try and move past our relationship, and try and just be friends. Its the best for us. We just arnet clicking like that anymore. Jealousy, at least for me, has taken over. I can admit that it really does bother me when he talks with some other girls. I really dislike it, but curiosity killed the cat, and jealousy killed our relationship. Its really hard going from a love relationship to a friend relationship, and i dont know if we can really ever pull it off, but were trying. I think im handling it pretty well, and that eventually i will be able to pull it all off, but its all just so diffrent. He came over on the snow day (wed) and we tried to talk about it I guess, but I mean I ended up kissing him a whole lot. I dont think that me and him can just hang out as friends and not have something like that happen. Its only happened once. And thats when we went to the movies a few days after the breakup. Its just so hard. But this is something I have to do.
2. I appoligized to 3 people that I know that I have really let down. But I bet you all ready know about that, because enough shit has been said. I told them I was sorry and that I couldnt change the wrong I did. I didnt ask them to be friends with me ever again, I just wanted to let them know that I know what I did was wrong and I was sorry. But of course, I got crap like "her and peter broke up and now she has no one blah blah blah she needs us because she has no friends" well one thing, i do have friends that i do hang out with, and just because when you break up with someone, you automatically hate them, doesnt mean thats the way me and peters relationship is. im just sick of all the lies going around about this.
3. My dad has been giving me a lot of trouble latley about not spending time with him. I dont spend time with him because he annoys me, litterally. An example is that I told him before he planned christmas eve that I was going to peters house with anne and ngoni to exchange gifts with everyone, and that I would be doing that in the afternoon. Then I hear that he has planned to have an early dinner at like 4, around the time that I would be at peters. He just doesnt listen to me, it really starts to piss me off.
These weeks Ive spent a lot of time with just myself. Ive thought a lot about things, that I never really have considered or cared about before. I have grown in diffrent ways, and even if it really wasnt that long of a time, i can really see a diffrence in my opinion of things.
Ive learned that you shouldnt listen to what people say about you, because theres always going to be someone saying something, and its never going to stop.
Ive learned what true friends are. True friends are people that you dont always have to hang out with, but are still there for you. I never hang out with Nicole, but she still is there to listen to me when I have a problem. Same with andrea. Me and her have come a hell of a long way, but i still have some of the best conversations with her.
Ive learned that talk is cheap. That people talk because theyre insecure about themselves.
Ive learned that you can never really trust anyone but yourself, because sometime, everyone is going to betray you in one way or another, and the only person who wont betray you is yourself.
Some people never grow up. I know some people who havent, and I know some people who have so much more then I would have ever expected. I dont think that im mature, I just think that I have matured. Ive grown up in ways that some people havent yet, and some have a long time ago. Its diffrent for everybody, and thats what people have to learn.
Im sure that someone will be talking about what I have wrote, and say anything they can to try and bring me down about it. Try is the key word.
I guess im just very emotional right now. On the car ride home from the movies I was thinking of all of this in my head. I explained to my mom how I felt so betrayed but yet so loved at the same time. I felt betrayed by people I thought I knew, but I felt loved by them at the same time.
Honestly, true friends are hard to find. And Id trade all my fake friends just for one good one. Just try and be true to everyone around you.
Is it worth anything being 'friends' with someone if youre just going to go behind their back and betray them? thats a concept I never really understood, but it happens all the time. I know ive done it, and people have done it to me.
I guess ive just had a lot of time to think, and to learn stuff about people that I didnt want to believe.
Thats it, Im done. I just have one thing to say. If you want to say crap about me or this entry, say it to my face. I dont need it to be behind my back. Ive had enough of that, and in the end it all comes back to me anyways. so how about you just speed up the process.