so much for my happy ending
I need some time alone to sort everything out. I don't know what to think anymore. I grew up around lies, I can't trust my mother, she can't trust me. It's this pattern that seems to every once in awhile come back at us. This will never end up stoping. We can't even talk to eachother about it, but I don't want to talk to her. She never had to talk about what she did to our family to me, so why should I have to talk to her about things. I don't, and I'm sure that I wont. She has her reasons not to trust me, I have lied to her, but you know what, I got lies from her. She lied to my whole family and broke it apart, I will never forgive her for that. She lied about so many things to me, and she never admited to her being wrong, why should I admit that my lies were wrong. She wants to keep me safe, but she doesn't let me experiance things on my own, she tries to hold me back from them. Once I get out of this town I'm going to go crazy if this keeps happening. I don't know. I don't know if I want to move in with my father and leave my mothers, or go back and forth, I don't even know what to do everyday. I want to go back to my moms, I want to get my stuff, I want things to be normal again but I don't want to see her. I can't stand thing, I can't take it. I'm going to do something bad I can see it comming, when I get angry I can't hold back, I won't hold back, I can never convince myself to. I don't know what's going to happen, what I'm going to end up doing, but I hope something happens before so it will stop and never happen, I don't want anything to happen. I'll most likley end up hurting myself in some way, it happened before because of things, and almost another time because of her. If she just looked at me and saw how depressed I have become maybe she would understand. I have thought that I needed anti-depressents for over a few months now, and you could even ask Peter about that because he has thought I needed them too. My life has been so horribly latley I don't think I can take it. I used to be so strong, and things like this wouldn't get me down, but latley I've been so weak. Maybe because my family life is so poor and my family is so screwed up. My family is suposed to be my support system and I can't live without one. But mine just isn't really a family anymore, it's like one place or another to me. I don't know how I should feel about everything, I don't even know how I feel. I wish I could go back 5 years, back when everything to me was perfect and I couldn't ask for more in life. I wish things were perfect, I guess they never were for my parents, or this would have never happened. Why did my mom have to go screw our family over? Maybe I would have turned out a better kid if she wouldn't have. I've learned what to do from what has been around me. And for a few years I've been around lies. That's how I grew into this whole lying thing. Yeah, I have lied to my parents, and I can admit that, but I could stop, but the thing is, I could never go back to my mother and really trust her ever. I haven't been able to trust her, and all the snooping she has done in my life in the past few months really shows how much she doesn't trust me. Maybe thing's arent worth it anymore.