high school and it's fucked up reputations
I'm sitting here trying to block out all the bad stuff in my life. I've been trying to just think of all the things that I do that bother me about myself, in my other diary I listed most of them. I was thinking about putting some of the stuff in here that I put in there. It's just I hate putting my real feelings out, because there's always those people who read other's diaries just to read them, and then go and say shit. I do not need anymore shit right now. I already have enough. I don't need people sitting here judging me because of how I feel about myself or what I say about my feelings twords thing. I want to be completley open with the world because I know one of my problems is I expect everyone to understand, and then I get mad when they don't. And people can't understand unless I try and have them. But I keep it all bottled up inside. I am turning into my father. He will never show emotion. I bet I could tell you that I haven't seen my father cry, even when he found out his father died, I've never seen him acting all crazy, other then when I've seen him drunk, I haven't seen him angry, the only way I can tell is when his eyes get really big. I can't tell emotions with him. If I talk to him about something, I don't know what he's feeling, so I stoped talking to him about things that bother me. I'm also exactly like my mother. We are both stubborn and think we're both right all the time. It gets neither of us anywhere, and when we argue it's just one big mess. I am stubborn like her, I am stuck up like her, I think I'm always right like her. I am a bad person for it, and I swore to myself that I would never turn out anything like her because she has been a bad mother to me before. I don't want to be like her. I don't want to be like my father. My mother told me that she would never be anything like her mother, but she is. I just hope this doesn't happen to me. I mean, my parents are my support because they are my parents, but they just don't get me. They grew up in a time period when things that are big issues wern't then. I couldn't talk to my parents about a lot of things I've gone through, or thing's that I have done. It's just I'm to scared they'll get mad and not listen to my problem insted of just listening and trying to help me through it. I have had so many rough moments every since I started high school. I have been put in situations that I hate and that have made me make the wrong decision, because at the time I didn't see that it was wrong. Almost everyone has drank, almost everyone has smoked up, almost everyone has had sex, almost everyone has lied to their parents, almost everyone has snuck out, almost everyone has done things they regret. It's just like out highschool is falling into this trend. It's like people feel they need to do those things to fit in. I hate it. It's like getting drunk/high on the weekends is like a trend now. It's so dumb. Wouldn't you rather be concious while youre having fun, insted of being passed out not knowing what's going on. I know I would. It's just like, I'm changing my feelings twords all these things. Drinking is just something that happens. So many people just go out and get drunk all weekend, I mean it's not even just like once in a while it's like all weekend every weekend. GET OVER IT ALREADY. And weed? We are all still obsessed with this stuff. Yeah, you get a "buzz" from it or whatever, but I mean it's just geting dumber these days. And it's like sex is just routeen these days. It's like, you get with someone, you have sex, you dump them, you go have sex more. It's just I don't really see the point. I think that sex ruins things. I think it's just pressure, for why some people have it these days. I know, I shouldn't be judging why and what other people do, but I can't help it. I mean, it's just like sex is a sport or a passtime and it's just the "in" thing to do. Sex is something you're supposed to share with someone. It's not a routeen. Sex is so over rated and it just gets me. I don't see what some people have going through their heads when they do it. I mean, if you do, and it's someone you can really trust, and you don't regret it then that's fine, but I mean if you just go out there to do it to say you did.. I don't even know what to say to you. Sex ruins relationships, not all, I know it doesn't happen to them all, but you just wait. you'll see. it also kills you. because when you and that person aren't together anymore, you will miss him/her so much because of sex. You will think to youself that yea, you shared that with the person, so automatically you are "inlove" with them. Maybe I'm just ranting about my stupid ass life, and my problems. But if you're just going to go come complaing about it and how I'm being so rude to some people in here, you can kiss me freaking ass because this is my shit, you decided to read it. God. Why can't things be like they were in Middle school, well actually like 6th grade maybe. So innocent, no pressure to do this and that. High school is rough. And it's being proven to us. I know there will be a lot of people who don't agree with the stuff I said here, but it's just how I feel. Get over the fact that I think diffrently from you. God. I HATE PEOPLE WHO ARE THE SAME. Why can't you just be your own person. DARE TO BE FUCKING DIFFRENT. That's all. Done ranting. GET OVER YOURSELVES. Get the feelings out. I just did. And it feels great. I NEVER DO THIS. I'm proud of myself.