So. It's my parents (my mom and step-dads) anniversary soon. It's sometime this week, I don't even know the exact date. It brings me down, and it really is making me mad. I never accepted their wedding, I WASN'T EVEN INVITED. I was away with my dad for a trip that weekend and I came home with Nicole and was surpised with this. WHY DID THEY HAVE TO RUSH IT? I didn't even know my step dad that well. My mom ruined my life, and that day set it off. It's like a constant reminder every year it passes what my mom did to me. How she fucked up our family and how much I really do hate her. I do hate my mom. I can really say I do. And I'm not even exagerating. Not many people really get it, because around my friends my mom comes off so well. She seems like she would be okay, and wouldn't do anything. Well.. that's wrong. She cheated on my dad, lied to my whole family and yada yada ya. I'm sure a lot of people have already heard all of this, but I have just been reminded about it and it kills me. I don't want to hear about their anniversary, I don't want to hear about how much they love eachother, all it reminds me of is how much hate I have inside of me. I try and forget about it, but you know it's not the easiest figuring my life has been so changed because of one fucked up choice my mom made. I will not give them my blessing, I will not with them a happy anniversary, because truley I don't wish it was happy. I hope it sucks, and I don't give my blessing to a wedding my mother wouldn't even invite me, HER OWN DAUGHTER to. God. When I think of all of this in my head it makes it seem worse and worse every time I run through it. I just wish this week I could go away for this, I dont want to be here. It's just going to bring me the hell down. I wish I had someone to talk to. I mean, I can talk to Nicole because she was there when all of this happened to me, but I really wish someone would understand. But it's such a hard thing to understand. I'm sure if my mom/step dad read this that they will be outraged and my mom will be "mad at me" for saying I hate her. But she should already know this. She shouldn't expect me to let go of something so life changing. MY LIFE, EVER SINCE THE FIRST DAY MY MOM LIED AND CHEATED ON MY DAD, HAS BEEN RUINED. Are you happy mom that you made me so misrable? That you are part of the reason I am so depressed? That I have cut my wrists? Did you even notice a change in me? I hate so many things right now.
Because of all of this with my parents, I think it makes me insecure about my relationships. Especially with Peter, because I think "Well..he could do this to me.." Not in the sense that we're married and he would go and marry someone else, just that he could cheat on me and just break me apart. I think that's why it's so hard to get me to open up to anyone because I'm so afraid that what my mom did to my dad will happen to me. I hate being like this, I just wish things were how they were. But they never will be. I have my mom to blame.
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