fuck what you heard
So.. I guess you learn a lot from the people around you.
I went to the Altoona mall today with my sister. We talked a whole lot about our whole family situation stuff. It was good to be able to get some of the anger I have out, and really get some advice from someone whose been in the situation, and knows what shes talking about. Like, I could talk to my friends about my family and what's going on, but they wont understand, and probibly don't care/aren't listening anyways, so it was good to be able to talk with her and bond. We hadn't hung out in a long time really. We talked while we were eating and the whole way home about how we felt about our parents. We shared a lot of feelings, and I must admit I'm scared of what's to come. I shouldn't really talk about it in here, it's not worth it really. I just hope everything goes okay. I just really need to be all right with myself before I can be okay with my family, which I don't know if that will ever happen. I just wish things never changed. Never got messed up. Yeah, I complain about it a lot.. but my family is my whole life basically. And I must say I haven't talked to my dad since Thursday.. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm totally lost.
I'm so lost as what to do with everyone in my life. It's like I don't know how to feel. I never show my feelings and I've been working damn hard to change that. And now that I am I don't know how. It's so hard for me to be able to tell someone that I'm mad at them and tell them why. I'm not mad at anyone as we speak because really I think being mad is a waste. Even if you can't tell the person what's bothering you, do you think they would really change for one person? I don't think anyone would.
My sister was talking to me about love. She was in a 4 and a half year relationship all the way through high school with one person. For the first year she told me it was total bliss. They were so happy, and then the next year and a half she hated him and herself. She didn't know how to feel and it hurt her so bad. Then the next 2 she didn't even know what to do. She got her heart broken by this kid, he broke her. And now shes relized that you can't give up what you believe in and want for yourself for someone else, because you're the only one who will be there, he will eventually break your heart. she was just in high school and she though theyd be together forever, but forever is shit in high school. nothing ever lasts. getting latched to a boy isn't worth it because it wont last. have the time of your life but when it's over get over it. he loved her in every way he could, but it wasn't how she wanted him to love her. they grew up and grew apart. you know.. i can really relate to all of that, but the thing is i don't have the courage to let go. I don't want to let go. I know I wont be with Him for the rest of my life, but i'll fucking try my hardest to keep it together. I just wish maybe he treated me differently. Maybe that he actually showed that I was something to him, other then just doing it when it's just us. Insted of a generic handshake at school maybe I could get him to hug me. it's just he makes me feel so worthless I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so lost. maybe i'll give up like I have with everything else.
i just want high school to be over. i'm tired of hearing about geting drunk, going to get high, the parties, the break ups, the fights. im sick of it all. i want to go away to college and live on my own and start over. i want to be a photographer and i want to purse my dream. i want to give up on things i know wont last and i want to start thinking for myself. but i'm just a junior in highschool, i'm still young and naive, im still stupid and i still talk about drama, i haven't grown up and neither have any of you. no matter how much you try and admit to yourself that you have. in 2 years youll look back and say "was i really that stupid?" we did it this year to the freshman and the answer is yeah, we were that stupid. we're young. AND YOU'RE ONLY YOUNG ONCE. so get out there and make it happen.