i wish theyd all just disapear..
Yeah. I know. I've been updating a lot.
My mom and I got into a fight today. She told me she didnt care about my education or me getting into College. I told her the day after I gradute I'm gone. I cant wait to get the fuck out of here, all the fucking drama and shit that happens. She told me I'm to much like my father, I told her it's better then being like her.
I hate how we always fight. How she tells me that I try and make everyone pitty me when its the opposite. I tell her nothing about my life, I dont tell her how I feel or waht I think or what I did, I just tell her general things. She tells me things, that I wont all write out in here because Im not jumping to conclusions, and then says Im the one who wants everyone to pitty me. She sat there saying how upset shes been and how shes just trying to get through the holidays happy and lada lada la and then tells me I ALWAYS WANT PEOPLE TO PITTY ME. I just laughed and said LOOK AT WAHT YOURE SAYING TO ME IM SITTING HERE SAYING NOTHING BUT OKAY OR YEAH JUST AGREEING HOPING YOULL GO AWAY AND YOURE SAYING ALL THIS SHIT. Ugh. Im fed up with it. Its bullshit.
I wish I could just up and leave, go away and have her see how she feels after Im gone. She thinks I wont leave, she doesnt think I have the strenght to get up and leave. But I do, and it could be proven. She freaking thinks that I think my lifes perfect when I tell her its not she just laughs. When I tell her I need help she laughs in my face, today I told her that I needed help, and I went to dad about it because last time I went to her she brushed it off, and she said YOU WANT HELP? ADN YOURE GOING TO YOURE EMOTIONLESS FATHER, WHO WOULDNT EVEN HUG ME BECAUSE HE DIDNT LOVE ME. and i said Mom. DId he tell you tahts why he never hugged you or did you cook that up in your head? and shes like -- I talked to Pastor and he told me thats how he felt.. and im like YEAH IM SURE OUR PASTOR WHO KNOWS HIM OH SO WELL WOULD KNOW HOW DAD FEELS BETTER THEN DAD WOULD, DONT EVEN GIVE ME THAT.
Our conversation left on me telling her to get the hell away and she crying. Me ending up doing the same and really wishing Peter was here.
My dad and I went out to lunch, and he told me he understands why people commit suicide or run away now, because of all the shit we've been through he says he understands. I told him I do to, because I have considered both of them. But I cant take the easy way out.
The only reason I would ever have to hate the Holidays would be because of my family. No- the fucked up people I call my family. I just wish I had someone to talk to, to really talk to. Maybe my shrink will help, we'll see.